Week 3...can't believe it!

My one month anniversary of being in Kuwait has come and gone.  I can't believe that October is just around the corner.  I wish that I could say I want time to slow down, but I don't really.  I have had a couple of people comment on the fact that my blog seems really upbeat, and positive.  I am trying to keep it that when, when really all I want to do is complain about all the crazy things that I find about this school and country.  I don't wish to just be that person who finds every bad thing and focuses on it, so that is why I have been trying to keep things pretty upbeat.  

I attempted to write a post a couple weeks ago, and for some reason it wouldn't post.  I got this crazy security message written in Arabic, and I didn't feel like taking the time to write it again.  I am not even sure what it was about at this point.  

I find myself in this crazy cycle of ups and downs.  One minute I am okay with where my life is and what job I have, then the next minute I just want to be in Columbia, Missouri...sitting downtown drinking a "soda" outside on a patio, and enjoying the fact that everyone around me is in shorts and t-shirts.  

There is nothing horrible happening here.  I am not being made to feel like a horrible teacher (yet anyways) and I am seeing progress in my students.  I think it is just the oppression that I feel as a person.  That I feel because of the faith that I have.  There is no freedom here to share what I know to be true.  There is no freedom in letting my students know what I believe, and why I believe it.  Who would have thought that I would miss the ICS days, of really sharing my heart?  I never would have guessed.  I am not sure why exactly, but I guess at the time I didn't think that it was actually where my heart was.  Now I know different.  

What I wouldn't give to have a conversation in my classroom like I had in Bangkok, or even in Oceanside.  To hear songs, and sounds of kids knowing they are loved.  I am not sure that I can be at this end of things anymore.  I don't want to just teach...I want to give truth.  

Maybe I needed to come to this place in order to figure out where my heart is.  Maybe I needed to understand that at the end of the day, I want to be able to pray, and share with my students.  

This is week 3, and I have yet to really connect with people around me.  I have a couple of friends, and am so thankful for good conversations and at least one person to be able to complain to, but I haven't found my community.  I guess I thought that it would just happen.  

Have you ever wondered if you made a decision so quickly, that you didn't actually listen to God when you made it?  You just made it because you wanted to run away.  You made it because you couldn't imagine life continuing in the cycle that it was, and you wanted change so bad, that you just forgot to stop and wait.  

Well....this is a time when I must say that I am not sure I have made the right decision.  Sure I know that God will work it out.  I know that I will be okay, and that he will work through me no matter what.  But I am just not sure how things will go from here.  I want community.  I want something that I haven't had since Thailand.  To be able to feel like I belonged.  I realize now that I had that...even though I didn't realize it at the time.  

How do I go back???  I can't, so I just step forward...into this next couple of weeks, and hope for the best.