Leaving Kuwait...

I left Kuwait two days ago.  It wasn't a decision that I made lightly, nor one that I hope to have to make again.  It was a decision that was for the best.  A decision that looking back now, I wish I could have done differently, but what is done is ...done.  No regrets.  No matter what life is full of decisions, some we make in a moment and others we think about for a lifetime.  For me Kuwait was a decision that I made in a flash of a moment.  I made it because I was running.  I was running from someone and the ideals of something that I had hoped and longed for, but the reality is that I was really running from myself.  

I don't regret taking the job in Kuwait.  I don't regret the people that I met, and the things that I experienced.  I don't regret it because I know that God uses each of our choices for his glory and good.  No matter where we go and what we do, His hands are there to guide and direct.  

I prayed a lot the past two months.  I cried, I screamed and I wrote.  I was not happy with what I was being asked to do, and the way that I was being treated.  I wasn't happy with the community that I had been planted in.  

So I made a decision to leave.  

I will always be thankful for my time in Kuwait.  I will always be thankful for my students and will earnestly pray for each of them to one day know Jesus.  I hope that even as I write this.  

I want more in life then just to be a blonde teacher that gives A's.  I want students to leave my classroom knowing that they can be whatever they want to be.  I want them to be defined by something more than just a grade, or their family name.  That wasn't possible in Kuwait.  

So, for me it is time to move on.  I will start a new blog.  As I leave this one behind.  I am not sure that I made the right decision, because I already know that this new job is not going to be easier.  But it is going to be more God-honoring.  

So this is not good-bye...just see you later.  

Kuwait you will always be a part of my heart.  My students...I already miss them!  

As I write this the reality has sunk in, and the tears that I didn't think were there...well here they are streaming down my face.  

My only strength is Him....I don't have anything else to give

UGGHHHH....

Funny story...true story...last weekend I wrote a huge post, and I thought that it was lost never to be found again.  So, I wrote about week #4 before I realized about the week 3 post being saved.  So, if you follow my blog regularly, read the week 3 before week 4....unless you are one of those crazy...out of order kind of people!  ;)  

 

Week 3...can't believe it!

My one month anniversary of being in Kuwait has come and gone.  I can't believe that October is just around the corner.  I wish that I could say I want time to slow down, but I don't really.  I have had a couple of people comment on the fact that my blog seems really upbeat, and positive.  I am trying to keep it that when, when really all I want to do is complain about all the crazy things that I find about this school and country.  I don't wish to just be that person who finds every bad thing and focuses on it, so that is why I have been trying to keep things pretty upbeat.  

I attempted to write a post a couple weeks ago, and for some reason it wouldn't post.  I got this crazy security message written in Arabic, and I didn't feel like taking the time to write it again.  I am not even sure what it was about at this point.  

I find myself in this crazy cycle of ups and downs.  One minute I am okay with where my life is and what job I have, then the next minute I just want to be in Columbia, Missouri...sitting downtown drinking a "soda" outside on a patio, and enjoying the fact that everyone around me is in shorts and t-shirts.  

There is nothing horrible happening here.  I am not being made to feel like a horrible teacher (yet anyways) and I am seeing progress in my students.  I think it is just the oppression that I feel as a person.  That I feel because of the faith that I have.  There is no freedom here to share what I know to be true.  There is no freedom in letting my students know what I believe, and why I believe it.  Who would have thought that I would miss the ICS days, of really sharing my heart?  I never would have guessed.  I am not sure why exactly, but I guess at the time I didn't think that it was actually where my heart was.  Now I know different.  

What I wouldn't give to have a conversation in my classroom like I had in Bangkok, or even in Oceanside.  To hear songs, and sounds of kids knowing they are loved.  I am not sure that I can be at this end of things anymore.  I don't want to just teach...I want to give truth.  

Maybe I needed to come to this place in order to figure out where my heart is.  Maybe I needed to understand that at the end of the day, I want to be able to pray, and share with my students.  

This is week 3, and I have yet to really connect with people around me.  I have a couple of friends, and am so thankful for good conversations and at least one person to be able to complain to, but I haven't found my community.  I guess I thought that it would just happen.  

Have you ever wondered if you made a decision so quickly, that you didn't actually listen to God when you made it?  You just made it because you wanted to run away.  You made it because you couldn't imagine life continuing in the cycle that it was, and you wanted change so bad, that you just forgot to stop and wait.  

Well....this is a time when I must say that I am not sure I have made the right decision.  Sure I know that God will work it out.  I know that I will be okay, and that he will work through me no matter what.  But I am just not sure how things will go from here.  I want community.  I want something that I haven't had since Thailand.  To be able to feel like I belonged.  I realize now that I had that...even though I didn't realize it at the time.  

How do I go back???  I can't, so I just step forward...into this next couple of weeks, and hope for the best.  

Beginning of week 4

I can't believe that in a couple of hours I will be starting the 4th week of school, and my 6th week in Kuwait.  Time is flying by, and although I don't want time to go so quickly, I can't say that I am really that sad about it moving so fast.  

I seem to be struggling a lot to understand what role I am supposed to have here.  For a long time (especially last year) I wished that I had weekends free, to write and just think.  Well guess what?  Now I have weekends free, and all I wish that I had was no free time!  

Why do we find ourselves so unhappy with life where we are at?  Why is it that once I reach one step I am just looking for the next one?  I don't seem to ever feel content with just being where I am.  Maybe it is what I need to work on.  Being content, and trying to plant myself where I am.  I seem to be trying to keep going forward and wanting the next chapter to begin, instead of just resting in the one I find myself in. 

As I sit here waiting for food to be delivered I want to be able to be happy and content amidst crisis, and trials.  

How do I do that?  

How do I find a place to be happy with where I am, but not give up on dreams that I hold inside?  

Reflection on the First Day of School

I was so nervous today...I couldn't even sleep last night, well at least not very well.  But really the day flew by.  I mean once 12:00 hit, that is!  I always forget what it is like at the beginning of the school year.  Getting the procedures and expectations down.  Making sure that all the routines are in place.  I mean we literally spent 10 minutes walking to every place that we needed to go.  We started getting ready to go home at 2:05, and before I knew it, the time was 2:30 and it was time to go home.  Seriously...crazy day.  

I am so thankful for my 22 students, 18 of which showed up!  I am thankful that we made it through the first day, without too much drama.  I mean they are chatty that is for sure, but for the beginning of the school year, it was really not that bad at all.  

I still had these unreal moments today...I am really here teaching these kids.  I am really in this place, living life and doing what I can to get through the day.  Sometimes I make it seem glamourous and when I am lounging at the mall, eating Pinkberry across from Gucci..well it does seem pretty glamourous.  But then I think about the way that some of these kids are growing up.  Not really knowing their parents, being raised by nannies, and I think that I am so thankful that was never my life.  I am thankful that I was born in America, that I can go back there one day and that I have the freedom I do.  

I do want to go back to America one day...maybe even Missouri...but for now this is my home and I have to make the most of it.  I have to plant myself here for a little while, and try to make the best difference that I can.  

First Day of School...September 8, 2013

School Begins Tomorrow!

The first day of school always brings me to a place of unrest.  I am not sure if it is just the excitement stirring deep within me, or the anxiety of what a new school year is going to bring.  There is no doubt that I am excited and nervous, and a little bit scared for what this school year holds.  I have no doubt that I am going to learn a lot.  I already have learned a lot, just about who I am as a person, and as a teacher.  I have learned a lot about expectations, and the truth that we really need to be clear with our expectations.  We need to be clear with what we want as people, and we need to be clear with what we want from our students.  

I am unsure of what tomorrow holds, besides the fact that I will have 22 little first graders anxiously awaiting a day full of fun, and the unknown.  What must be going through their minds tonight as they are tucked into bed by their nannies, or maids (my hopes are that they are being tucked in by their parents, but I am really doubtful that is the case.)  What will I have to do tomorrow in order for them to be excited about learning, how will I have to communicate to help them understand?  

These questions plague my mind.  I want to love them, and guide them.  I want them to be able to look at this year, and remember it fondly.  I want them to come out of this year a little more independent and a little more full of joy then they do tomorrow.  Most of all though I want them to be able to have purpose and knowledge.  Not perfection, but growth.  

Maybe my goals are unattainable, for it has been hinted that the focus is on the end result, something that I have yet to understand what exactly it means.  I really do hope that the end result shows growth and progress, if it shows that then I have done my job.  If I can do that while maintaining good relationships then I have really done my job.  

My hope is that I allow parents to see just how important their children are.  

First day of school!  So thankful!

Book time! I've only been saying it for at least 6 years!

Today is the day....a day that I really am going to do what I have been saying I will do for the past 5-10 years.  I am going to start writing a book.  Not because I think that I have something better to say then what is already out there, but because I know that each story that is written is unique and my story...well it is more unique than some and not as unique as others.  

I am not even sure what my book is going to be about, and how I am going to start..but the time has come.  This needs to happen.  I need to get started, and finish.  

I have noticed this about myself.  My ideas are great, and I love organizing and thinking up things, but the follow-through is not always the greatest.  Sometimes I feel like I just give up too easily.  Even in the jobs that I have held...it is really hard for me to keep going when I feel like I have not obtained perfection.  

I know we can't be perfect, its part of it....but it doesn't change the fact that I want to.  I want to be perfect.  I want to live life to its fullest, and be the best that I can.  

So....here's to writing and hoping that one day my book is published...and that God uses my story to help someone else.  Perhaps one day!