Leaving Kuwait...

I left Kuwait two days ago.  It wasn't a decision that I made lightly, nor one that I hope to have to make again.  It was a decision that was for the best.  A decision that looking back now, I wish I could have done differently, but what is done is ...done.  No regrets.  No matter what life is full of decisions, some we make in a moment and others we think about for a lifetime.  For me Kuwait was a decision that I made in a flash of a moment.  I made it because I was running.  I was running from someone and the ideals of something that I had hoped and longed for, but the reality is that I was really running from myself.  

I don't regret taking the job in Kuwait.  I don't regret the people that I met, and the things that I experienced.  I don't regret it because I know that God uses each of our choices for his glory and good.  No matter where we go and what we do, His hands are there to guide and direct.  

I prayed a lot the past two months.  I cried, I screamed and I wrote.  I was not happy with what I was being asked to do, and the way that I was being treated.  I wasn't happy with the community that I had been planted in.  

So I made a decision to leave.  

I will always be thankful for my time in Kuwait.  I will always be thankful for my students and will earnestly pray for each of them to one day know Jesus.  I hope that even as I write this.  

I want more in life then just to be a blonde teacher that gives A's.  I want students to leave my classroom knowing that they can be whatever they want to be.  I want them to be defined by something more than just a grade, or their family name.  That wasn't possible in Kuwait.  

So, for me it is time to move on.  I will start a new blog.  As I leave this one behind.  I am not sure that I made the right decision, because I already know that this new job is not going to be easier.  But it is going to be more God-honoring.  

So this is not good-bye...just see you later.  

Kuwait you will always be a part of my heart.  My students...I already miss them!  

As I write this the reality has sunk in, and the tears that I didn't think were there...well here they are streaming down my face.  

My only strength is Him....I don't have anything else to give

UGGHHHH....

Funny story...true story...last weekend I wrote a huge post, and I thought that it was lost never to be found again.  So, I wrote about week #4 before I realized about the week 3 post being saved.  So, if you follow my blog regularly, read the week 3 before week 4....unless you are one of those crazy...out of order kind of people!  ;)  

 

Week 3...can't believe it!

My one month anniversary of being in Kuwait has come and gone.  I can't believe that October is just around the corner.  I wish that I could say I want time to slow down, but I don't really.  I have had a couple of people comment on the fact that my blog seems really upbeat, and positive.  I am trying to keep it that when, when really all I want to do is complain about all the crazy things that I find about this school and country.  I don't wish to just be that person who finds every bad thing and focuses on it, so that is why I have been trying to keep things pretty upbeat.  

I attempted to write a post a couple weeks ago, and for some reason it wouldn't post.  I got this crazy security message written in Arabic, and I didn't feel like taking the time to write it again.  I am not even sure what it was about at this point.  

I find myself in this crazy cycle of ups and downs.  One minute I am okay with where my life is and what job I have, then the next minute I just want to be in Columbia, Missouri...sitting downtown drinking a "soda" outside on a patio, and enjoying the fact that everyone around me is in shorts and t-shirts.  

There is nothing horrible happening here.  I am not being made to feel like a horrible teacher (yet anyways) and I am seeing progress in my students.  I think it is just the oppression that I feel as a person.  That I feel because of the faith that I have.  There is no freedom here to share what I know to be true.  There is no freedom in letting my students know what I believe, and why I believe it.  Who would have thought that I would miss the ICS days, of really sharing my heart?  I never would have guessed.  I am not sure why exactly, but I guess at the time I didn't think that it was actually where my heart was.  Now I know different.  

What I wouldn't give to have a conversation in my classroom like I had in Bangkok, or even in Oceanside.  To hear songs, and sounds of kids knowing they are loved.  I am not sure that I can be at this end of things anymore.  I don't want to just teach...I want to give truth.  

Maybe I needed to come to this place in order to figure out where my heart is.  Maybe I needed to understand that at the end of the day, I want to be able to pray, and share with my students.  

This is week 3, and I have yet to really connect with people around me.  I have a couple of friends, and am so thankful for good conversations and at least one person to be able to complain to, but I haven't found my community.  I guess I thought that it would just happen.  

Have you ever wondered if you made a decision so quickly, that you didn't actually listen to God when you made it?  You just made it because you wanted to run away.  You made it because you couldn't imagine life continuing in the cycle that it was, and you wanted change so bad, that you just forgot to stop and wait.  

Well....this is a time when I must say that I am not sure I have made the right decision.  Sure I know that God will work it out.  I know that I will be okay, and that he will work through me no matter what.  But I am just not sure how things will go from here.  I want community.  I want something that I haven't had since Thailand.  To be able to feel like I belonged.  I realize now that I had that...even though I didn't realize it at the time.  

How do I go back???  I can't, so I just step forward...into this next couple of weeks, and hope for the best.  

Beginning of week 4

I can't believe that in a couple of hours I will be starting the 4th week of school, and my 6th week in Kuwait.  Time is flying by, and although I don't want time to go so quickly, I can't say that I am really that sad about it moving so fast.  

I seem to be struggling a lot to understand what role I am supposed to have here.  For a long time (especially last year) I wished that I had weekends free, to write and just think.  Well guess what?  Now I have weekends free, and all I wish that I had was no free time!  

Why do we find ourselves so unhappy with life where we are at?  Why is it that once I reach one step I am just looking for the next one?  I don't seem to ever feel content with just being where I am.  Maybe it is what I need to work on.  Being content, and trying to plant myself where I am.  I seem to be trying to keep going forward and wanting the next chapter to begin, instead of just resting in the one I find myself in. 

As I sit here waiting for food to be delivered I want to be able to be happy and content amidst crisis, and trials.  

How do I do that?  

How do I find a place to be happy with where I am, but not give up on dreams that I hold inside?  

Reflection on the First Day of School

I was so nervous today...I couldn't even sleep last night, well at least not very well.  But really the day flew by.  I mean once 12:00 hit, that is!  I always forget what it is like at the beginning of the school year.  Getting the procedures and expectations down.  Making sure that all the routines are in place.  I mean we literally spent 10 minutes walking to every place that we needed to go.  We started getting ready to go home at 2:05, and before I knew it, the time was 2:30 and it was time to go home.  Seriously...crazy day.  

I am so thankful for my 22 students, 18 of which showed up!  I am thankful that we made it through the first day, without too much drama.  I mean they are chatty that is for sure, but for the beginning of the school year, it was really not that bad at all.  

I still had these unreal moments today...I am really here teaching these kids.  I am really in this place, living life and doing what I can to get through the day.  Sometimes I make it seem glamourous and when I am lounging at the mall, eating Pinkberry across from Gucci..well it does seem pretty glamourous.  But then I think about the way that some of these kids are growing up.  Not really knowing their parents, being raised by nannies, and I think that I am so thankful that was never my life.  I am thankful that I was born in America, that I can go back there one day and that I have the freedom I do.  

I do want to go back to America one day...maybe even Missouri...but for now this is my home and I have to make the most of it.  I have to plant myself here for a little while, and try to make the best difference that I can.  

First Day of School...September 8, 2013

School Begins Tomorrow!

The first day of school always brings me to a place of unrest.  I am not sure if it is just the excitement stirring deep within me, or the anxiety of what a new school year is going to bring.  There is no doubt that I am excited and nervous, and a little bit scared for what this school year holds.  I have no doubt that I am going to learn a lot.  I already have learned a lot, just about who I am as a person, and as a teacher.  I have learned a lot about expectations, and the truth that we really need to be clear with our expectations.  We need to be clear with what we want as people, and we need to be clear with what we want from our students.  

I am unsure of what tomorrow holds, besides the fact that I will have 22 little first graders anxiously awaiting a day full of fun, and the unknown.  What must be going through their minds tonight as they are tucked into bed by their nannies, or maids (my hopes are that they are being tucked in by their parents, but I am really doubtful that is the case.)  What will I have to do tomorrow in order for them to be excited about learning, how will I have to communicate to help them understand?  

These questions plague my mind.  I want to love them, and guide them.  I want them to be able to look at this year, and remember it fondly.  I want them to come out of this year a little more independent and a little more full of joy then they do tomorrow.  Most of all though I want them to be able to have purpose and knowledge.  Not perfection, but growth.  

Maybe my goals are unattainable, for it has been hinted that the focus is on the end result, something that I have yet to understand what exactly it means.  I really do hope that the end result shows growth and progress, if it shows that then I have done my job.  If I can do that while maintaining good relationships then I have really done my job.  

My hope is that I allow parents to see just how important their children are.  

First day of school!  So thankful!

Book time! I've only been saying it for at least 6 years!

Today is the day....a day that I really am going to do what I have been saying I will do for the past 5-10 years.  I am going to start writing a book.  Not because I think that I have something better to say then what is already out there, but because I know that each story that is written is unique and my story...well it is more unique than some and not as unique as others.  

I am not even sure what my book is going to be about, and how I am going to start..but the time has come.  This needs to happen.  I need to get started, and finish.  

I have noticed this about myself.  My ideas are great, and I love organizing and thinking up things, but the follow-through is not always the greatest.  Sometimes I feel like I just give up too easily.  Even in the jobs that I have held...it is really hard for me to keep going when I feel like I have not obtained perfection.  

I know we can't be perfect, its part of it....but it doesn't change the fact that I want to.  I want to be perfect.  I want to live life to its fullest, and be the best that I can.  

So....here's to writing and hoping that one day my book is published...and that God uses my story to help someone else.  Perhaps one day!  

2 days....and it begins

Well there are 2 more work days.  It is hard to believe that Sunday will mark the third week of being in Kuwait.  How quickly time is flying by.  If this was a RH summer, we would already be finished with Week 1 of camp.  Did I just compare my real life to that of RH summer?  Yes...because in reality there is just something about the vulnerability of summer camp that makes it super easy to just get along with everyone and click.  Maybe it is the 24/7 that makes that happen, or maybe it is that everyone believes that are on this grand adventure (and they are)...not sure I just find myself still thinking in summer terms, and wondering how to make those connections and bonds in real life.  

My classroom is looking amazing!  In fact I am pretty proud of it, especially since I started with absolutely NOTHING!  Not one thing was already in my classroom when I came, except for the desks and chairs (ofcourse)!  So, yes I am pretty proud of my brain, my organization skills and my TA...who did a LOT of cutting!  

Today was definitely a rough day.  I felt like my brain never completely got to catch up with where it was supposed to be.  Just when I thought I had everything finished we were told we needed to print off things the last 30 minutes of the day.  Awesome!  

I am ready to see how this is going to go, and ready for sleep although I am totally making myself stay awake!  :)  Or at least going to try!  

Here's to a fun room, and a new school year!

Learning to be okay with sticking out...

First things first..I am not writing this to say that I enjoy being the center of attention...because I don't.  I will admit though that it is nice to have people laugh at my jokes, listen when I tell a story and genuinely be impressed with my knowledge of education.  What I don't want though is to come across as someone who thinks she knows everything.  

Today...I took the road less traveled..well at least by me.  I decided that I would just stick out in a couple of places, that I would otherwise have just stood back and let pass me by.  

The first thing that happened is I found myself volunteering to be the chair of one of our biggest committees.  Ha ha...after AC last year I never wanted to see the word committee and my name again.  But you know this world and the way education works...there is no way to get out of being a part of a committee.  So..here I am once again only this time I am a leader, and I have NO IDEA what I am doing!  Sure I have been on committees before and sure I have worked in a school setting before, but there are like 20 sub-committees within this one committee and honestly I am just waiting for someone to say..."umm...why don't we take that chair position back now and give it to someone else."  I won't be offended, but I also am hoping that I can do something amazing with this role that I have been given.  If nothing else I just want to survive!  :)  

The second act of sticking out was when I decided that I would wear my bright orange jacket and my bright neon yellow tennis shoes to go to the store that is right down the street.  Ha!  You would have thought I was wearing some crazy outfit the way people were staring at me.  Oh...guess I am not at Rawhide anymore!  

The point is that both of these circumstances today made me think that 10 years ago when I was just beginning my overseas adventures I would have hated, absolutely hated anyone staring at me, and noticing that I was different.  I would have never volunteered to be in charge of anything, and I would have just sat back and let the world sort of pass me by.  So, today I am looking at life and saying...who cares?  I am glad that I don't look like everyone else, and do what everyone else does.  Yes, sometimes especially right now when I don't feel too connected with anyone here it makes for a lonely world.  But it is a world I am willing to live in.  A world I am willing to understand and love because I am an important member of it.  It is amazing to me how much we all desire to be different, but then when we are put in a situation where we are different, we shrink away and want to just be the same as everyone else.  

I don't want that for my life.  I never want to settle for what everyone else is doing or who everyone else is being.  I want to live a life that is set apart and different.  I want to think my own things, and be okay with going for a walk in a bright orange jacket in the middle of Kuwait, and be okay with it.  So today I say one point me...because I succeeded in not feeling like I was sticking out too much.  One point for saying, I am going to be myself, and I won't conform to everything that is in this culture. Sure there are some things I am going to adhere to, but my culture and who I am is good as well.  

So here's to sticking out....hope you can stick out a little bit today.  Who knows....maybe you need to find a bright orange jacket to wear!  It will make you smile, I promise!  

32 the age to be!

Wow!  I can't believe that I am 32!  It seems like each year just keeps going faster and faster.  We have finished up one week of training, and will now have our final week before meeting the kids and getting this school year started.  I still can't believe I am celebrating my 32nd birthday in Kuwait!!!  Last night I was able to jump in on someone else's party and although I still don't feel quite like I belong here I am so thankful for people in the international community.  Its not exclusive, it is an open and welcoming community...no matter where you go and no matter what type of school you are at.  I am truly thankful for a chance to meet people and experience life in this part of the world.  I may not understand why things are run the way they are, or when taxi drivers think they need to haggle prices.  It is so annoying!  But I am thankful that I get the chance to teach again, to be able to have a classroom of first graders that are eager to learn.  To change lives, a little bit at a time, so that one day they might be able to say...she made a difference in my life.  

I know that we will meet hundreds of people in our lifetimes...but each one is important.  Our community is important.  That's my focus this year, to help my students realize that they make a difference.  They are important and their choices impact more then just themselves.  So...32...wow!  I am sure this year is about to bring many adventures...we will see how it goes!  

Expectation Vs. Reality

There seems to be this moment when change is occurring that you have realize that expectations most of the time have nothing to do with reality, especially when it is in relation to living in a foreign country.  It doesn't matter how much or how little you prepare for a move, and a job change.  Most of the time you are left with this feeling of "that wasn't what I was expecting."  You would think after 3 cross-cultural moves I would understand by now that nothing is what it seems, but I still have rose-colored glasses on when it comes to a lot of things.  This won't be a blog in which I complain about everything that I wanted to happen that didn't.  I don't want to go into details, because honestly this is the smoothest transition overseas I have had, but I will say that I am a little bit disappointed that I didn't prepare myself better for the lack of "things" that I would want in my classroom.  I left quite a bit in Missouri because I thought I could just get whatever I needed.  Wrong assumption!  

I will say that the past few days have allowed me to realize how much I love teaching, and how excited I am to be in a classroom setting again.  

I am even enjoying cooking and being creative in my food choices.  I made dinner tonight and while it wasn't too glamorous, it was good for me and I am glad that I will have dinner tomorrow night too!  

Expectations are never reality...well at least most of the time!  We just have to be flexible and move forward, making the most out of what we have been given.  Now if only I can put that into practice! 

My first real meal since getting here!  A success!  And I have enough for tomorrow night!  Yum!  :)  Even snapped the green beans myself. 

A Little Bit of Conquering...

Today will go down in the record books.  I seriously am feeling pretty proud of myself, and can see a little glimpse into the reasons why I have had to go through the things I have while being overseas and in the states.  5 years ago I would have never had the confidence or desire to venture out on my own and explore only a few days after being in a completely knew place.  

I started out the day by going to church.  I called a taxi company, and went to church.  As I got out of the taxi, there were only Asian faces...I was beginning to think I had landed in the wrong spot.  You see the churches are all on one compound and there aren't very many anyways, but there are many, many different services.  That is exciting to me, but also a little bit intimidating.  As I stepped out of the taxi and looked around I was a little bit disappointed because I think I was expecting to see an ECB crowd and I didn't get that at all.  In fact I felt more like the minority in church then I do even walking in the malls.  

It will be okay though, and I am already learning to step out of my comfort zone, so what's a little more stepping out, right?  

On my way out of church I met this really nice couple from the states.  They have been in Kuwait for 3 years and were more then willing to chat with me and help me settle in to life here.  Super great..once again not what I was expecting, but I am so excited!!!  

After church the mall was in order.  Trying to get a taxi wasn't too horrible, but I am ready to just be done with all this negotiating stuff.  It doesn't even matter that there are meters, they still want to negotiate.  Ugh!  One of my biggest pet peeves!  

At the mall I managed to get things so I can actually eat real food at home, and feel like I have a home.  It has taken a little while, but finally starting to put all the pieces together.  

Today was a day that I just did what I needed to do.  I would have liked to had some company as I plowed through IKEA, and Carre Four and tried to get food, and stuff to make a home, but that wasn't really an option for today.  So, I did it myself.  

When I think about all the different places I have lived, I know that this day wouldn't have been as good if I hadn't had the experiences in the other places that I have lived and if I didn't have a confidence and strength in who I am.  

So...I am thankful.  I am thankful that I can see myself changing and growing.  I am thankful for today, the fact that I have food to eat, and that I have an apartment that is starting to be more like my home.  

I am also thankful that I get a full two day weekend!  That hasn't happened in a VERY, VERY long time!  

So here is to conquering those fears and doubts that keep us from reaching out and just doing what we know we should do.  For walking the path that may not be the easiest, but it is the best...Here is to adventure and growth.  

32nd Birthday in Kuwait!

That's right...I will be 32 a week from tomorrow.  It is always so weird to me to have my birthday at the beginning of the school year.  Most of the time I am just starting a new job, or meeting new students.  I have to say though that some of my best birthdays have been the past few years.  For no other reason then I just feel loved.  I got to end my 20's in Thailand....begin my 30's in Missouri...and now I get to continue on with turning 32 in Kuwait.  I have no idea what I am going to do yet, or who I am going to be hanging out with...but I am sure it will be Epic.  I mean you only turn 32 once...and you only have a first birthday in Kuwait...once.  So why not live it up!  I am thankful for the people that surround me.  I am not sure I have found that bosom friend yet, but you know that's okay.  Sometimes the greatest friends are those that we meet and then the relationship has to take time to bloom.  Sometimes we don't even realize the greatest friendships until we are thousands of miles away.  I am thankful though.  I am so thankful for this opportunity and another year to live life completely.  Take on new adventures and love some kids and teach them to be a better member of the community, or at least allow them to realize that they have purpose in this community.  

There is a lot going through my mind right now.  Teachers and parents they have a tough job.  I am not sure I have done a good job in the past, but I really want all of my students to leave my classroom knowing that they are important.  Knowing that they are responsible for their own decisions, but most of all understanding that they have a purpose in this world.  

As you are reading this (if anyone even does) I hope that you realize that you have a purpose too.  Not just to breathe and live, but to make a difference.  It doesn't have to be on the other side of the world, it doesn't have to be at a non-profit organization in the ghetto.  It can just be saying hi to someone, or listening to someone.  Sometimes for myself I get so caught up in doing, that I forget to just be.  

Like I said tonight I didn't make any real connections.  I am not sure where my place is at this school, but I am thankful I am here.  If anything just to learn more about people.  About this culture that I have been thrown into, and to use my skills to teach the best that I can.  

So...here's to 32...may it be the year of compassion and purpose.  

1st Grade!

Today I found out that I will be teaching 1st grade.  Yeah!  So excited about this new role.  Ready to meet it head on.  Today was a day of doing things and waiting.  I felt like most of my day was spent in line, in the heat.  I forgot how overwhelming the heat is.  Whew! 

I am ready to get this classroom looking like a real classroom.  Although it is smaller then the other 1st grade classrooms, I kind of like it.  It will be a small little community, and I am excited to meet the students that will be entering these doors in 2 weeks.  Crazy to think about it is 2 weeks away.  I am so glad that there is time to get things done, to review my curriculum...and to get everything started.  

Our week is Sunday through Thursday here, which means that tomorrow and Saturday are the WEEKEND!  So ready to just get some grocery shopping done (living off protein bars isn't working so great for me).  

IKEA here I come!  

 

The World is Small

Today I met the fellow new teachers.  My apartment complex is the farthest away from the school, so we get picked up first.  As we were talking with fellow teachers, while waiting I was amazed by the vast amount of experience and connections that were made, just in the 16 teachers that fit into our van.  I am always amazed when people have lived places that I have visited, or in some cases lived.    Sometimes I feel like that is God's way of simply saying that the world is smaller than I think.  As I talked with fellow teachers, I thought about how we all are able to come together with our various amounts of experience to form a team.  In many ways my first team was Rawhide, and for that I will always be grateful.  There will never be another team like the teams of 2001 and 2013, they will go down in history, as some of the greatest people I have ever known.  But this team, the team of 2013-2014...well they will also go down in history.  There will never be a team that is exactly the same. There will never be another first day of meeting.  

I am not sure I feel like I accomplished a lot today, but at least seeing the school was enough for me.  I am hoping that tomorrow brings some pictures.  Meanwhile I am going to think and pray about all the connections that I made today.  Hoping that somewhere along the way there are some deep friendships beginning to bud.  I am not sure that I have room for all the people I keep meeting in life, but I am truly thankful that I continue to meet and grow from each one of them.  I am thankful that my heart has a place to love all of those that I come in contact with.  

Today I was reminded a little bit of Egypt.  We were riding in the van leaving school when all of a sudden we had to back all the way back down where we had just come from because a Pepsi truck needed to get through.  It was at that moment that I realized I never want to drive here.  It is totally not worth the stress to me.  Seeing the way that people have to drive, I feel much safer and more confident in a taxi!  :0 

New Beginning

Day One began today.  The one bedroom, one bath apartment is in the middle of a bunch of other apartments on the 3rd floor.  Furniture, Storage Space, and Air Condition, what more could a girl want?  Well I soon would find out.  

I got in about 5:30pm, and have to admit the process to enter was very easy, much easier than any other place I have been before.  I was thankful for people meeting me at the gate, helping me with luggage, and allowing me to get settled in.  

My first thoughts of Kuwait were just normal...there was no honking like I had experienced in Egypt and India.  There were just people driving cars.  For some of you this may seem like a mute point, but it was something for me.  The amount of travels I have experienced, I find myself feeling at home already, even though I may not look like those around me, I feel like for the first time in a long time, I don't stick out as much as I have before.  

Then to the apartment....I have to admit it is really great.  Feeling like I can make a home here, at least for the next 2 years, then we will see after that.  

Unpacking and putting everything in its place is what I spent most of the night doing.  Trying my hand at the internet, it has been awhile since I used normal rather than wireless.  

Then today we went to The Avenues.  It is a huge mall, and honestly it has more in it then I think any of the malls I have been to recently.  I am definitely not in a Third World Country.  The cleanliness that am experiencing is something that I haven't experienced for awhile.  

I will admit that my eyes lit up at the sight of Bath and Body Works and Taco Bell.  I seriously wasn't expecting those things at all. 

I am excited for this journey...excited to make a home for myself, and excited to meet my students.  But most of all I am excited to just be me.  I know that I am starting over, and that is good.  I get to be the best version of myself, something that I have not been for a little while.  So as I continue to get acquainted with life here.  I am going to sit back and relax a little bit.  Maybe even take a nap.  For this adventure is about to really begin!